Almost Valentines Thoughts

You know this year I’m actually looking forward to Valentines because I get to spend it with my best friends in Japan and give them gifts for once. I don’t have to expect a card from a guy, and I don’t have to give it to anyone, just friends. I like it that Japan has the tradition of girls giving the boys they like (or their friends) chocolates (for friend’s it’s called “tomochoco”) and then a month later on 14^th March the boys return to the girls who gave them chocolate (or the girls they like) white chocolate.

I’ve surprised myself about how I’m dealing with it. I normally dread the day because I’ll either get awkward confessions (the first time being at Uni when I really was not expecting it) or last year which was fairly uninteresting with the &(£$^%!£@$*$&-ex. And I was thinking back over the past few years about how I spent my Valentines in secondary school, then uni and all my friends who I love way more then any person and as I was I was flicking through old photos of my Uni life. And I think that although out of all my friends I’ve made the greatest loss, and the greatest regret I have was loosing Dani. You know I’ve tried to keep quiet about this because last year people were all very close and I didn’t want to turn people against each other or create unnecessary drama (and I'm not one to talk about things which are really personal) but I think now it’s fair that people know what happened between us.

In the first year of University Dani was one of my best friends and she really helped me open up and I in turn tried to help her and be supportive of her. But in the second year things changed and for reasons I still don’t know Dani began to ignore me. Not just ignore me but avoid eye contact, not greeting me and avoid talking to me unless I spoke first. Which kinda hurts when you live with the person and have the same classes. When I got my hair cut she avoided looking at me and when I finally asked what she thought she said “Yeah it’s nice…I guess”. Those words still ring in my ears. At anime I heard that she thought I was being passive aggressive and I went home in shock and cried because that hurt so much, I felt like I’d really lost her. Sadly I was too much of a coward to confront her about it because I was afraid of making things worse, and I just kept thinking things would get better, she’d snap out of it. But no. Even after I did try to talk to her about it she still didn’t change, even after I helped out with her now ex she didn’t say a word to me, even after I got drunk trying to pluck up the courage to talk to her (that time I thought I’d gotten through but I hadn’t), even after everything…So after 6 months of being ignored by her, and having her treat our mutual friends like crap (especially her ex and a guy who had a crush on her) I decided to just give up and start ignoring her back. Perhaps that would wake her up? Would that make her come to me and ask me for once “What’s going on? Is everything ok?”? Nope. It just made things worse. I think what was bad was that neither of us were particularly aggressive towards each other, it was both of us who were being passive aggressive at that point.

In December while in Japan I finally took her off my friend’s list on facebook and told her the things she had made me feel. I was emotional at the time and said I didn’t want to know why she abandoned me. After that she blocked me on facebook. I was surprised that that still really hurt. I know it’s silly to still think about it, especially because she hasn’t acted like a proper friend to me in almost a year and a half but I still mourn her loss. And as I was flicking through my old photos hers came up of when we were still in the first year. I really miss that Dani who was kind and considerate of others, who didn’t only think about herself and who was happy to see me and listen to me and who was interesting to talk to and had depth to her personality and was sweet and who cooked for us and who showed us new things and…who was all those things and more……I think friend’s are the most important things and the betrayal of a friend cuts the deepest.

It’s funny coz my new years resolution was to not talk about her anymore and to just forget her and if I saw her in the new school year just to start over and introduce myself as if we’d never met…but I guess my heart is still soar and I think with being open about this I can get over her. Hahaha, I make it sound like she was an ex, although I think in a way she was because to me best friends will always be closer then boy/girlfriends. But I don’t think things can ever be fixed now. She’ll always have what ever happened weighing over her mind and I know she’s not the sort of person to let things go to accept the responsibility for her actions. If she can never return to the Dani I knew then I just hope Japan makes her a better person.