Stress

I feel like after the last few weeks the stress has just been building and building and building and building. Japanese academic life is so different to England. We have tests every week for Japanese and assignments every few weeks for afternoon culture classes. The culture festival was smack dab in the middle between midterm exams and midterm assignments. This last week I handed in two assignments, did a 5min presentation in Japanese that I had to do off by heart, and then this Friday I have another assignment and a presentation to do for a culture class.

Not only that but for my midterms I got a really bad mark for the anthropology module even though it was a really easy test and I’d revised all weekend. It really hit me and I felt horrible and angry at myself for making such stupid mistakes. I feel so incredibly stupid in that class and since then I haven’t done the reading (mainly because I haven’t had time) and I haven’t said anything in class. I feel like my brain has turned to mush. I feel like such an idiot and I’m scared of putting my hand up in case I say something stupid. I’ve always done that. I think professor Hester must think I’m such an idiot. I’ll never be an anthropologist.

Not only that but I’m working all the time so I don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know the seminar house people as well as I could have. I don’t feel like myself here. I’m not the happy hyper Jen I normally am at Uni, but feel like the bored, tired, anti-social Jen when I’m at home.

I get the feeling it’s partially due to the fact that I don’t have things like the anime society of Adventure Gaming Society. I don’t have a weekly event where I can see all my friends and unwind. I don’t have the time to do something like that. I admit I have time to go out and see the sights, but it’s the human contact that I crave and that I’m missing.

This is what I was afraid of most of all before I came to Japan: making friends. I admit I have friends here but they’re not the same as in England when we’re just really close, and even when we’re not as close people would still notice if something was wrong and try to make it better. I dunno, it could just be different cultures and different mentalities. I mean I think I partially don’t make an effort to get to know people better and make a good impression but this stress and this work has just drained my energy. I really don’t feel like being genki all the time. -___-

I keep having this re-occurring theme in my dreams when I’m back in England, normally in Canterbury, and the Japan trip was just over. And I think “wow that went really quick” and then I wake up. I’ve had that for 4 nights in a row now. I think I’m home-sick. Which is a first time for me because before when I’ve gone away from a long time, I’ve not really had anything to miss. I miss England. I miss my friends. I miss the work at Kent Uni.

Everyone has their ups and downs, and I have more ups then downs here in Japan. I guess it’s just hard when the people you love aren’t there.